The Self Esteem Scam

May 272013
 

English: A colorful depiction of Maslow's Hier...

 

Maybe I’m too grumpy to write this right now but most of you have been with me for a long time.  I trust you’ll forgive me should that become necessary.  And if not?  I wish you well.  I mean no offense.

Ready?

I’m sick of self esteem.  I’m tired of talking about it. Hearing about it. Worrying about it. Building it. Protecting it.  Blah, blah, blah.

How can a woman who has been an advocate for kids and families for decades make such an inflammatory statement?

That’s simple: I think our collective obsession with self esteem may actually be hurting kids.  It’s a term that gets thrown about as a well-meaning but lazy mental shortcut.  Self-esteem has become the holy grail of modern parenting.

On the other hand, when I’m not frustrated and ranting, I’m able to hear those statements for what they are: love, concern and a laudable desire to protect.

Here’s the fundamental problem: we can’t give self-esteem to anyone.  It’s an inside job.

As parents, teachers and coaches the best we can hope for is to create conditions that allow our kids to have the experiences they need to discover and embrace their own innate beauty and worth.  Try, fail, try again, succeed.  Hug, kiss.  Praise, scold.  Love the hell out of ’em. Trust the process.  Rinse, lather, repeat.

Related articles

Love without Limit

May 152013
 
Cute Kids in Children's Costumes

(Kids in Children’s Costumes. Photo credit: epSos.de)

 

We all love our children and want to do what is right for them.  There are lots of  different ideas of what love is and how best to show it.

Parents try to make life ‘easier than we had it.’  We buy ‘stuff.’  We stretch our budgets to provide special ‘treats’ — sometimes  even very expensive treats like designer clothing, computers and iPhones.

Or we let them do what they want: watching TV and playing video games to their  hearts’ content.   Making sure they take the summer off instead of getting a job after a year’s work at school.

We want to make our children happy and often we try to do that by taking away limits… doing anything in our power to remove any obstacles between our children and their happiness.  Like so many good intentions, this doesn’t always bring about the results we are looking for.

What if love means following through, day after day, on the lessons you are trying to teach your child?  Showing up.  Being present.  Setting a good example.  Putting down the electronics and connecting.

Spending time with your children  and paying attention will produce lots of quality moments.

Related articles

Who Says You’re a Good Parent?

Apr 232013
 
Uniformed Letter Carrier with Child in Mailbag

Letter Carrier with Child in Mailbag (Photo credit: Smithsonian Institution)

 

Are you a good parent?

It’s the question on all of our minds… and we really want to say ‘yes.’  But has it ever occurred to you that the answer to that question depends, in large part, on who you ask.  Think about it…

The “smalls” often give an A+ grade to any parent who:

  • serves ice cream for breakfast,
  • doesn’t care about bedtime, and
  • provides continuous access to cartoons.

Elementary school kids might award highest honors to parents who:

  • believes them when they report they  “don’t have any homework”
  • run interference with any teacher who dares to disagree
  • and are certain the soccer coach plays “favorites”

By middle school the stakes are higher; the “three c’s” come to mind:

  • cell phones
  • credit cards and
  • curfews (the later the better, right?)

Silly?  Not really.  Far too many of us allow our definition of “good parenting” to come from the kids.

Unfortunately, they’re not yet equipped to make that judgement.

 

Enhanced by Zemanta
 Older Entries  Newer Entries