Rainbows, Cotton Candy and…

Apr 292013
 

What If The World Is Made Of Cotton Candy, Rai...

 

Lots of us come to parenting with a rosy picture:  OUR kids will never be unhappy, never feel misunderstood, never have to struggle in school or in sports or socially.  We will meet their needs and most of their wants and they will excel because… oh… because all this love and fulfillment will inspire and propel them on to great things, right?

That rosy picture is a wonderful thing. That optimism represents something very special:  the deep and sometimes overpowering unconditional love that parents feel.  It makes us want to make the world worthy of our precious babies.  Sometimes that picture doesn’t leave much room for reality. And it can make us a little nuts.

Take a moment to think about the things you know for sure.  Did they come easily?  Do you look back and recognize times your parents pushed you to do something a little bit (or a lot) beyond your reach? And you fell on your face before standing on your feet?  Unfortunately lots of life’s great lessons come to us the hard way.

Face it: too many parents are afraid.  And we’re passing that on to our kids.  It’s almost as if we have come to  believe that discomfort is disability, and that letting our little ones stew a bit  will create some sort of irreparable harm.

Of course it can hurt to watch a child struggle, but let’s be realistic.  All struggle is not created equal and it’s important that we provide our children with perspective.  Let’s not place ‘homelessness’ and ‘hurt feelings’ on the same scale.

We’ll never get back to balance if we do.

Who Says You’re a Good Parent?

Apr 232013
 
Uniformed Letter Carrier with Child in Mailbag

Letter Carrier with Child in Mailbag (Photo credit: Smithsonian Institution)

 

Are you a good parent?

It’s the question on all of our minds… and we really want to say ‘yes.’  But has it ever occurred to you that the answer to that question depends, in large part, on who you ask.  Think about it…

The “smalls” often give an A+ grade to any parent who:

  • serves ice cream for breakfast,
  • doesn’t care about bedtime, and
  • provides continuous access to cartoons.

Elementary school kids might award highest honors to parents who:

  • believes them when they report they  “don’t have any homework”
  • run interference with any teacher who dares to disagree
  • and are certain the soccer coach plays “favorites”

By middle school the stakes are higher; the “three c’s” come to mind:

  • cell phones
  • credit cards and
  • curfews (the later the better, right?)

Silly?  Not really.  Far too many of us allow our definition of “good parenting” to come from the kids.

Unfortunately, they’re not yet equipped to make that judgement.

 

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Bumps in the Road

Apr 042013
 

2008-10-31 SWNH Halloween

Do your kids worry?  Do they think of themselves as people who are lucky that nothing bad has ever happened to them?  Or as  people who have developed skills from tough times and can be counted on to solve problems?

Since nobody is immune from life’s ups and downs, it seems that a positive attitude about overcoming adversity is a great gift to give our kids.  And gratitude seems to be a good place to start.  What if we could teach them to be  just as grateful for set-backs as they are for the Santa-lists!  With experience we can all learn that clouds have silver linings and that set-backs make us stronger.

How do parents balance our powerful protective instinct with the knowledge that we need to find ways to build “bounce back” without overwhelming the little people?

You can start almost anywhere. Have you ever been to a Pinewood Derby, science fair or similar event?   Of course.  Here’s the hard question:   were you the parent who ‘over-helped’ or the one whose child had the ugly little car or slightly primitive, bumpy science project?

In order to learn new skills we need to stretch.  The results are not always pretty but the simple act of being able to complete a task and bring it to the event brings a feeling of competence and mastery.  And when your child’s project is not judged “best”?  What then?

Kids who are supported for taking risks and giving their best efforts will try again.  In time they can learn to compete with themselves.   To look for improvement over their last best effort find creative ways to reach their goals and achieve the desired results.

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What Kids Need to Succeed: Four Foundations of Adult Achievement by Andrea Patten and Harry S. Patten is available in Korean and Russian.

 

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