Wants and Needs and Blurry Lines

Feb 102011
 

little girl with toys

I enjoy my material possessions as much as the next person, but sometimes I wonder about the long-range results of our current epidemic of overindulgence.  The other day I was shopping for a single item.  A wrong turn down the kitchen tools aisle brought me face-to-face with nine different types of manual can opener.

Nine.

I am not as domestically challenged as this is going to sound: I didn’t know that it was possible to make nine distinctly different non-motorized hand-held can openers.

What does this have to do with parenting?  Quite a bit, I think.  You know me… I spend a lot of time thinking about the things we take for granted and the possible related “messages.”

Going back to the nine can openers for a moment, here are a few things the kitchen aisle display might be “saying” to us:

  • I don’t have to be uncomfortable, at all, ever.  If the can opener isn’t a perfect fit my hand, I should just buy another one.
  • Everything in my kitchen is “supposed to” match.  My silver-colored can opener still works… but the red one would “look better.”
  • Everything’s disposable.  Don’t expect your can opener to last a long time.  When (not ‘if’) it breaks just get another.  (NOTE: Maybe this is OK for can kitchen tools but what happens when that attitude spills over into our friendships.  Are we losing our ability to “repair?”)
  • It’s not important to be organized.  If I can’t find what I need, I can always go get another….

I grew up with “the three Rs” – reduce, reuse, recycle.  My mother and my grandmother were both fond of the expression “Use it up, wear it out… make it do or do without.”

Our current behavior seems to teach our kids about endless abundance available through the miracle of cheap mass production.  And that because something is available, we need it.  And we need a lot of stuff.

What’s the real cost?  We don’t seem to connect our buying habits to the fact that landfills grow and consumer debt continues to rise.  The line between wants and needs has been seriously blurred.  How does your family talk about that?

An Invitation to Communication

Jul 282010
 
Listen, Understand, Act

Listen, Understand, Act (Photo credit: highersights)

When we think about ‘communication skills’ most of us are pretty self-centered. Need proof? Next time you see an ad for a book or a course that’s about ‘improving communication skills’ take a close look at the description. Unless it’s a really unusual course, you’ll see lots of tips about delivering your message. Enunciate clearly…. use attention-grabbing headlines…. create catchy phrases…. match and mirror your audience….

These are fine ideas but they focus only on one side of the communication – the ‘sending side’ of the equation. What about listening?

Parents put a premium on good communication. Most are highly motivated to be good listeners, especially about important and sensitive topics such as bullying or drugs in school. The problem is that somewhere between the ‘endless knock-knock joke’ and ‘will there be alcohol at the party’ there’s a breakdown. Parents tune out. Kids stop talking.

Little kids really do need to learn some of the skills and social norms around conversation… and, in all fairness, do you know ANYBODY who likes the “how was school today?” question. It sometimes feels forced, disinterested or even lazy – certainly not the way to invite a longer conversation.

Good questions invite engagement and discussion – but what makes a good question?

Parents of teens will easily answer “anything that can’t be answered with ‘yes,’ ‘no,’ or a grunt” and they would be right. Open-ended questions help. It takes a little work but it’s worthwhile to learn how to ask questions that start with “what” or “how.”

“What’s the most interesting thing that you saw today?”
“What about ______ captured your attention?”
“How do you think that they do that?”
“How did you show your generosity today?”
“How did that make you feel?”
“What did that make you think about?”

Would you like to share some favorites? What’s stopping you? We’d love to have your input — and it’s great practice .

 

English: Transactional Model of Communication

English: Transactional Model of Communication (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Enhanced by Zemanta
 Older Entries  Newer Entries