You Goofed? Hip, Hip, Hooray!

Dec 272012
 
Some of the contestants in the Scripps Nationa...

Some of the contestants in the Scripps National Spelling Bee, 2011 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

 

Certainly we all want our children to excel. But it takes most kids years to find their strengths; if they don’t try everything that comes their way –from kickball to spelling bees– how will they discover their passions?

One thing that parents can model is to value ‘effort’ and ‘risk’. Kids whose parents praise things like ‘trying,’ ‘giving their best effort’ and ‘finishing what they’ve started’ seem to have kids who try, give their best effort and finish things!

While competition is a great teacher, there are also times that it is as important to reward participation as achievement. Rewarding the courage to compete builds confidence and helps to combat the stigma attached to losing.

People often forget that losing is nature’s best teacher. High achieving adults we’ve interviewed confirmed that adversity and struggle (e.g. ‘losing’) taught them what they needed to do to win the next time! Kids shouldn’t be afraid of losing. Hug and praise them no matter how well or poorly they do. Go easy on the sympathy if they lose. Soft-pedal the congratulations if they win. In either case, ask them what they learned or what they’ll try next time.

Remember, your offsprings’ ‘won/loss’ record is not a reflection of your parenting skill but their attitudes, values and ethics are. Whether they win or lose you can teach them to show the same respect for everyone who competes, to push themselves toward improvement and give to their best. As with so many aspects of being a parent, it’s all in how you approach it.

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Dale Carnegie Meets Mr. Rogers????

Jun 232009
 

 Friendship can be tough – and sometimes even more difficult to navigate without the longer view that age provides.  As the parent of the smartest, nicest, coolest kid in the group — the one who should automatically be the most popular – it can be tempting to jump right in and ‘straighten things out,’ can’t it?    

Sometime during my son’s early baseball years, he apparently confided in his Grandpa.  One of the more popular players on the team was teasing him about not being as good a ball player.  (Evidently, this is not something that ‘guys’ tell their Moms!)  Gramp’s advice came straight from the pages of Dale Carnegie’s classic How to Win Friends and Influence People – not exactly at the top of everyone’s list of favorite parenting books! 

“I told him I knew of a magical solution —a solution that would turn the guy who was picking on him into his best friend.  I could tell that he wanted to hear but I refused to tell him until he promised me he would act upon my suggestion,” said Gramp.   

Apparently, after promising to take action, my son got his instructions.  At the next opportunity, he was to talk to the guy…. to tell him that he thought he was a really good baseball player and ask for help on how to improve a specific part of his game.   

According to Dad, my boy’s reaction was nothing short of ‘horrified.’  He tried to get out of doing it only to be quickly reminded of the promise he had just made.  

Dad stops short of taking credit for what happened next; he admits that he wasn’t present during the boys’ next conversation… but it was not long after that the two former rivals started spending more time together.  Eventually they became close friends.   

Speaking as someone who heard far too many Earl Nightingale motivational recordings before starting the fourth grade, I might not be the first to recommend this strategy to the average Little Leaguer.  On the other hand, I can’t argue with success.