Confessions of A Crappy “Expert”

Aug 172011
 
Family Portrait - Montreal 1963

Image by Mikey G Ottawa via Flickr

I started my morning while it was still very dark outside.  In the peace of my office, as I waded through blog links and tweets and e-mails and FB posts I grew discouraged.  Very discouraged.  And perhaps it is that emotion that has led me to conclude:  I am a crappy expert.

More than 30 years as a parent, over 25 as an advocate for families, participation in multiple program start-ups and outcome reports and … I just don’t have it.

How did I arrive at this conclusion?

Despite my pedigree I cannot — or will not — presume to tell you the one, single best way to be a parent.  I have written about a way of looking at family life that I think can help almost any parent feel supported.  Especially when they’re ‘setting’.  (Setting?  A powerful example.  Appropriate limits.  The dinner table…)

I do not know, nor have I ever claimed to know, “The Key” to being a better Mom or Dad.  I think that providing a framework or point of view from which parents can choose what works best in their family is far more respectful.  It’s not a good marketing strategy but it’s honest.

I don’t give guarantees about how your kids will turn out. C’mon… do I LOOK like I have a crystal ball?

So what qualifies me to write for parents?

Whether they are families in distress or my girlfriends and neighbors, I have a lot of experience talking to parents about their universally favorite topic: their kids. From that experience I have come to believe that every parent is doing the best they can with what they’ve got.  And that one of the best gifts any of us can give the current generation of kids is to celebrate, appreciate and lift their parents.

I am acutely aware of cultural forces that make it difficult for parents to be as involved as they would like to be.  In my opinion, far too many organizations and individuals try to tap into parental guilt as a marketing tool.  FOUL!  Flag on the play.  I respect parents enough to believe that, with a little support and a slight shift in focus, they’ll be able to raise their game.

And if any of that makes me a crappy expert here I stand — guilty as charged!

When Discipline Goes to the Dogs

Jun 072011
 

What happens when we look at ideas and behaviors in a variety of contexts?  When we think about ‘discipline’ and ‘dogs’ most of us think in terms of taking our pets to obedience training.  “Sit.  Stay.  Shake.”

 Have you ever thought about what they can teach us?

Many parents are uncomfortable with their role as family leader – our best friends can help here, too.  Dogs have strong instincts about rules, order and etiquette as they relate to preserving the pack.  When a new puppy tries to take its place within the group, an older dog will make clear the rules and boundaries.

There are lots of rules.  Puppies learn them all – quickly.

“Here’s where you can sleep.  I greet the humans first.  You get the second cookie and that’s my squeaky toy – you can never, ever touch it.  Ever.”

Are the consequences for messing up?  You bet. When the senior dog disapproves everyone know it:   loud, dramatic barking and growling punctuated by an occasional bite for the one who just doesn’t ‘get it.’

Alpha dogs come in different breeds, sizes, shapes and colors.  They have different personalities and “styles” but the have a lot in common:

1)    They don’t nag – their ‘word’ (or look or growl) is law.  One look.   What they want is very, very clear – and punishment for those who disobey is swift, sure and unmistakable.

2)    Alphas don’t feel guilty.  They know that the survival of the pack rests squarely on their ability to teach their pups proper behavior.  It’s just what needs to be done – there’s no emotion attached.

3)    Alpha dogs do not need the pups’ approval.  They’ve got a job to do and they don’t care who likes them.  They get it done.  (And the pups reward them with total admiration and devotion.  Go figure.)

4)    Discipline takes a variety of forms – sometimes it’s loud and dramatic, sometimes it’s a ‘time out’ away from the rest of the pack…. sometimes it’s just the raised eyebrow that reminds the offending youngster.

5)    They are fair.  The intensity of the correction matches the offense.

Families need strong, fair leadership.  Kids (whether canine or human) need to know the boundaries and the consequences for violating them.   Dog:  really is a Mom’s best friend.

Lhasa with computer

On Being Present

Dec 242010
 

It’s ironic that in our quest to find the perfect present people sometimes render themselves completely ‘absent.’

Racing around, over-scheduling, over-spending, eating fast food instead of what nourishes us…YIKES!  How many ways can we use “creating to perfect holiday” to numb ourselves and detach?

I’ve run this video before but it touches me enough to repeat on Christmas Eve day – partly because it’s a reminder that many of us can use every day and partly because I counted more that two dozen SPECIAL LAST MINUTE GIFT OFFERS in my inbox this morning.  Enough already!

Granted, I’ve been told that I’m not aggressive enough with my marketing.  Maybe I’m not.  But I won’t lie and call myself “the world’s leading expert” on anything.  I believe in what I do and what I write. But most importantly, I believe in you.  And I think it’s just rude to smack you in the face with one more commercial.

So, here you go…  enjoy.

A man played his violin in the subway.  He played for 45 minutes while more than a thousand people passed through on the way to work. Fewer than ten of those people stopped. About 30 put money in his case, netting him a little over $32.

The musician was the world-famous Joshua Bell, playing the same music he plays in concert halls where tickets sell for $100 each. The instrument he used is valued at more than $3 million. Washington Post writer Gene Weingarten was the mastermind behind the experiment. The Post received a Pulitzer for the story.

Weingarten’s questions had to do with perception of quality, choices and priorities. People familiar with the story have also asked ‘If we are too busy to notice a world class musician, what else are we missing?’

My point?

Are there wonderful things that are going on right under our noses?  Stop. Take a deep breath. Notice. Enjoy.  Be more present.  That’s a gift you can give every day.


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