Can You Hear Me?

Nov 292011
 
Martini Silouette

Do timing and context enhance your message? (Image by John C Abell via Flickr)

Whenever I’m stuck in a communication that just isn’t working I eventually get back to a favorite expression:  “What you do speaks so loudly I can’t hear what you’re saying.”  I have often found that if I can’t make myself understood, there’s a good chance I’m doing something to contradict myself.  Contradictions create a level of confusion that help the message get lost.

Lots of things can help parents to create a mixed message… they often result from habit or behaviors we’ve just never thought about.  It can be something as simple as smiling when we’re angry: when body language doesn’t match the message listeners are left with a choice about which part of the message is real.

A classic example is the parent who lectures about “the evils of drug use” with a drink in hand. Or someone like me who knows the importance of exercise… but doesn’t always “walk the talk.”

I’m not saying that drinking is wrong…. or that parents who drink should not talk to their kids about responsible substance use.  Or even that people who don’t exercise enough are not allowed to encourage others to be more active.

What I AM saying is that a little more attention to timing, context and example adds up to a powerful, irrefutable message.

There are so many situations in life where this little reminder comes in handy. I remember once hearing a wonderful speaker saying how much he disliked those bumper stickers that say “I’d Rather Be…” (sailing, golfing…   you know the ones…).

I don’t care much about bumper stickers but his reasoning caught my attention.  He said they were dishonest… that if people honestly preferred that activity they would make the necessary sacrifices and changes. It’s something I try to remember when I start to say I am “too busy” for people or activities that matter to me. I think of it when people tell me they “want to write a book but don’t have time.”

And kids have an incredible gift for noticing the mis-matches between what we say and what we do. And, like in any other situation, we can make excuses — or use their insights to become better.  To put our feet where are priorities are.

I am always moved by this video that illustrates the power of our example.

Wants and Needs and Blurry Lines

Feb 102011
 

little girl with toys

I enjoy my material possessions as much as the next person, but sometimes I wonder about the long-range results of our current epidemic of overindulgence.  The other day I was shopping for a single item.  A wrong turn down the kitchen tools aisle brought me face-to-face with nine different types of manual can opener.

Nine.

I am not as domestically challenged as this is going to sound: I didn’t know that it was possible to make nine distinctly different non-motorized hand-held can openers.

What does this have to do with parenting?  Quite a bit, I think.  You know me… I spend a lot of time thinking about the things we take for granted and the possible related “messages.”

Going back to the nine can openers for a moment, here are a few things the kitchen aisle display might be “saying” to us:

  • I don’t have to be uncomfortable, at all, ever.  If the can opener isn’t a perfect fit my hand, I should just buy another one.
  • Everything in my kitchen is “supposed to” match.  My silver-colored can opener still works… but the red one would “look better.”
  • Everything’s disposable.  Don’t expect your can opener to last a long time.  When (not ‘if’) it breaks just get another.  (NOTE: Maybe this is OK for can kitchen tools but what happens when that attitude spills over into our friendships.  Are we losing our ability to “repair?”)
  • It’s not important to be organized.  If I can’t find what I need, I can always go get another….

I grew up with “the three Rs” – reduce, reuse, recycle.  My mother and my grandmother were both fond of the expression “Use it up, wear it out… make it do or do without.”

Our current behavior seems to teach our kids about endless abundance available through the miracle of cheap mass production.  And that because something is available, we need it.  And we need a lot of stuff.

What’s the real cost?  We don’t seem to connect our buying habits to the fact that landfills grow and consumer debt continues to rise.  The line between wants and needs has been seriously blurred.  How does your family talk about that?

On Being Present

Dec 242010
 

It’s ironic that in our quest to find the perfect present people sometimes render themselves completely ‘absent.’

Racing around, over-scheduling, over-spending, eating fast food instead of what nourishes us…YIKES!  How many ways can we use “creating to perfect holiday” to numb ourselves and detach?

I’ve run this video before but it touches me enough to repeat on Christmas Eve day – partly because it’s a reminder that many of us can use every day and partly because I counted more that two dozen SPECIAL LAST MINUTE GIFT OFFERS in my inbox this morning.  Enough already!

Granted, I’ve been told that I’m not aggressive enough with my marketing.  Maybe I’m not.  But I won’t lie and call myself “the world’s leading expert” on anything.  I believe in what I do and what I write. But most importantly, I believe in you.  And I think it’s just rude to smack you in the face with one more commercial.

So, here you go…  enjoy.

A man played his violin in the subway.  He played for 45 minutes while more than a thousand people passed through on the way to work. Fewer than ten of those people stopped. About 30 put money in his case, netting him a little over $32.

The musician was the world-famous Joshua Bell, playing the same music he plays in concert halls where tickets sell for $100 each. The instrument he used is valued at more than $3 million. Washington Post writer Gene Weingarten was the mastermind behind the experiment. The Post received a Pulitzer for the story.

Weingarten’s questions had to do with perception of quality, choices and priorities. People familiar with the story have also asked ‘If we are too busy to notice a world class musician, what else are we missing?’

My point?

Are there wonderful things that are going on right under our noses?  Stop. Take a deep breath. Notice. Enjoy.  Be more present.  That’s a gift you can give every day.


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