electrical banana (Photo credit: the past tends to disappear)
As parents we teach our kids a lot about fear. We spend time and energy teaching them exactly what to be afraid of: an electrical outlet, the mean dog in the neighborhood, a hot stove and the deep end of a pool. Teaching our children to stay safe is an important part of a parent’s ‘job description.’
The way that we teach about those things can be just as important as the information we’re trying to convey. Where is your focus? Is your message “The world is a scary, dangerous place” or “I want you to have the information you need to make safe and responsible choices.” There’s a big difference, no?
In addition to the things that we consciously try to teach, even the smallest of children pick up non-verbal cues from the adults around them. Whether or not they have the words to tell us about it they notice the things that frighten the big people.
A fear that children sometimes pick up from their parents is the fear of failure. Whether parental perfectionism shows up in action or the re-living and re-hashing of our missteps, simple observation may teach kids may that failure is to be avoided at all costs. Left unchecked, this fear can grow, perhaps resulting in another grown-up person who is afraid to take risks.
We’re certainly not advocating unsafe behavior or risk for its own sake. Balance is important. When you talk to your kids about danger, do you ever talk about the steps that a person would take to be safe in that situation? (Bonus points if you let them talk first!) It’s a great opportunity to talk about assuming responsibility and what’s appropriate at various ages.
Remember, amazing things can happen when people are not afraid to ask ‘What if?” or “What’s the worst thing that can happen if I try?”
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5 Responses to “Teaching Safety or Teaching Fear?”
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We teach our children that the world is a very VERY safe place – child molesters are not waiting outside the bushes, you can play in the front yard and no one will drive by and steal you, and things like that. My children are allowed to roam the neighborhood when they’re ready, etc. etc. It’s all age-appropriate, and based on their maturity level. But I certainly know that my 3 year old can play in our 6′ fenced backyard without my hovering over her. She knows it’s safe. Because the world IS safe.
We didn’t childproof our home from birth – our kids learned, and all have survived. I think it’s a disservice to move everything out of a baby’s way instead of teaching them what’s right and wrong. It’s a disservice to bubble wrap them and never let them fall down. Life is falling down. Life is sometimes failure. They all need to experience it, learn from it, arm themselves with information, and move forward.
I fear most parents are raising children who will never be able to function in the outside world. They’re afraid to leave their house because someone will kill them, they won’t play on the big slide because they might fall, they won’t take a chance because they might fail. That’s very sad, to me.
I work with children on a daily basis as a school psychologist, and many of those children are suffering from some significant anxiety directly related to the fear of failure. While I have no doubt it is motivated by love and a desire to protect their children, the parents are not doing their children any favors by never allowing them to experience failure and learn how to deal with it. I have seen children on the verge of a nervous breakdown because of the stress they have continually placed on themselves to succeed at all costs.
Likewise, parents who protect their children from any adverse conditions or potential risks are, in my opinion, actually placing their children in greater danger than they would otherwise have been. When they are grown and on their own, and encounter adverse conditions, they are often incapable of dealing with it because they have never had any practice. Mom and/or dad always did it for them, but now, when mom and dad are not available, they haven’t the first idea what to do.
Children need to experience failures and learn how to handle adverse situations in order to become productive responsible adults. Parents who do not permit their children to experience adversity, however well intentioned, are doing their kids a real disservice.
I agree with both of you but with some reservations, I represented very, very bad people for a very long time and I know for certain that the world is not entirely safe. I know what people can do to children, strangers and their own. I believe there is a balance between appropriate caution and wariness or awareness and appropriate risk taking and enjoying life. Teaching common sense helps a lot.
Thanks for the great comments — I appreciate the discussion! It makes me think about all those years of weighing risks against rewards. Sure there were missteps along the way — but we all lived through them and came out the other side a little stronger, a little smarter, a little better…. Maybe a little more prepared for ‘life on life’s terms’?
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