Prefers Presence to Presents

Dec 072011
 
Traditional envelope containing money as a gif...

K.I.S.S. ~ Keep It Simple, Sweetie! (Image via Wikipedia)

I think I’m finally done freaking out about hearing Christmas carol muzak in early November and am easing into the holiday spirit.  We’ve made some travel arrangements, found some fun gifts and are going on the prowl for great light displays tonight when it gets dark. Granted, with grown-up kids and the majority of grandkids little enough to prefer an empty water bottle to a Wii, our approach is pretty mellow.  Despite some pressing project deadlines I’m relaxed enough to notice that lots of  people are completely frazzled.

Although I understand it far too well, I find it sad that in our quest to find “the perfect present” many of us render ourselves completely absent.  Spending too much, over-packing our schedules, eating fast food on the way to the mall…YIKES!  How many ways can we use “creating the perfect holiday” to numb ourselves and detach? What would happen if we chose to prefer presence over presents?

presence |ˈprezəns|n.  the state or fact of existing, occurring, or being present in a place or thing: his presence still makes me smile • a person or thing that exists or is present in a place but is not seen: the crowd became aware of a powerful presence.

I love dictionaries and the shades of meaning they can bring us.  When I read this definition I thought about all of the unnecessary difficulties we humans (and especially parents) tend to create for ourselves.  Let’s face it: with the day-to-day struggles so many people face there are already plenty of opportunities to practice our “refuse to lose” skills.

My dictionary went on to tell me about ‘related phrases.’ The one that popped out was “presence of mind: the ability to remain calm and take quick, sensible action.”

Is there “quick, sensible action” you can take to reduce your stress and be more present through the coming weeks?   Stop. Connect. Breathe. Enjoy.  Be more present.  That’s a gift your kids can enjoy every day.

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Can You Hear Me?

Nov 292011
 
Martini Silouette

Do timing and context enhance your message? (Image by John C Abell via Flickr)

Whenever I’m stuck in a communication that just isn’t working I eventually get back to a favorite expression:  “What you do speaks so loudly I can’t hear what you’re saying.”  I have often found that if I can’t make myself understood, there’s a good chance I’m doing something to contradict myself.  Contradictions create a level of confusion that help the message get lost.

Lots of things can help parents to create a mixed message… they often result from habit or behaviors we’ve just never thought about.  It can be something as simple as smiling when we’re angry: when body language doesn’t match the message listeners are left with a choice about which part of the message is real.

A classic example is the parent who lectures about “the evils of drug use” with a drink in hand. Or someone like me who knows the importance of exercise… but doesn’t always “walk the talk.”

I’m not saying that drinking is wrong…. or that parents who drink should not talk to their kids about responsible substance use.  Or even that people who don’t exercise enough are not allowed to encourage others to be more active.

What I AM saying is that a little more attention to timing, context and example adds up to a powerful, irrefutable message.

There are so many situations in life where this little reminder comes in handy. I remember once hearing a wonderful speaker saying how much he disliked those bumper stickers that say “I’d Rather Be…” (sailing, golfing…   you know the ones…).

I don’t care much about bumper stickers but his reasoning caught my attention.  He said they were dishonest… that if people honestly preferred that activity they would make the necessary sacrifices and changes. It’s something I try to remember when I start to say I am “too busy” for people or activities that matter to me. I think of it when people tell me they “want to write a book but don’t have time.”

And kids have an incredible gift for noticing the mis-matches between what we say and what we do. And, like in any other situation, we can make excuses — or use their insights to become better.  To put our feet where are priorities are.

I am always moved by this video that illustrates the power of our example.

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