Failure or Future: It’s up to You (Re-play)

Feb 042015
 

splat

We all want to comfort our children after they suffer any kind of failure or disappointment. It’s only natural.

Instead, they ask a simple question: “What happened?”

The question is asked kindly and respectfully, but the intention is clear: to help the child understand why she didn’t reach her goal. Where did she go wrong? Was she unprepared? Did she not work hard enough? Or is her talent simply in another area?

The best parents I’ve met have resisted the urge to “make it all better.”
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This kind of questioning may seem rather sophisticated for a young child, but will teach an important lesson: failure can be viewed as a springboard to improvement, not as a dead-end or a reason for self-pity.

Would most parents like to provide a disappointment-free life for their kids?
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Would most parents like to provide a disappointment-free life for their kids? Probably. But stop and think for a moment: Is that realistic? Do you know anyone who has not had to confront disappointment or failure? Given that reality, dont we do our kids a greater kindness when we support them in learning from disappointment than when we try to shield them from it entirely?

Parents who react to their children’s failures in this manner provide skills that will last a lifetime. In other words, they raise people who are able to recognize their own competence — and never give up!

3 Steps to Better Caregiver Communication

May 072014
 
May is Child Care Month – celebrate a child-ca...

May is Child Care Month – celebrate a child-care provider! (Photo credit: BC Gov Photos)

 

Not long ago I was  talking with a new mom who is heading back to work a few hours each week.  She’s an awesome mother and has been struggling with how to do “this  parenting thing just right.”  She shared that she had found the right day care provider but was still worried.  “What if she doesn’t want to do things the way I want them done?”

No matter how wonderful your child care provider may be, there will be times you don’t understand one another 100%.  Even if you’ve managed to hire Mary Poppins, you may, at times, disagree or not understand the other’s choices.

So how can you be certain that and your child’s other care providers remain more compatible than not?

Ask.

When it comes to our little ones, sometimes everything we know about calm, assertive communication goes right out the window.   Work-life balance can bring out the “tired-guilty-I-want-to-be-two-places-at-once-monster” in the best of us!

Whether your childcare provider is a family member, a friend or manages a licensed day care facility you’ll have plenty of opportunities to work on your communication skills.

Here are three tips that may make it easier for you:

  • Start with a positive.  Choose something you like about the relationship, the care your child gets or any of the communications that seem 100% clear.
  • Explain your concern simply and directly.  “It’s really important that we keep nap time consistent, yet when I got home the other day she slept almost an hour longer than usual.”
  • Ask for an explanation:  “If something happened and she went down later than usual I need to know that.  It helps me know if she is going through something that requires more sleep.”
Not sure what you’re supposed to ask about?  Many states provide a child care consumer information web sites or  phone lines. Here are sites from Vermont , Florida and Arkansas for example.
Like so many things, once you know what you want and have all  information you need, making  compromises and adjustments can get a little easier.

May I Leave Work Early? I Have to Stay After School

Feb 012013
 
School desk

(School desk Photo credit: net_efekt)

 

Here’s something from my inbox.  A friend sent it.  I have not tracked down the original source… mostly because I really do not want to believe that it is true.  I haven’t been able to throw it away.  There’s part of me that’s not surprised – after all,  some Moms will do anything for their kids!

A young teen gets into enough trouble at school to earn a detention.  When Mom learns about it, she offers to serve her child’s detention as she feels that this would be less damaging to her child than it would be for the child to miss any after school activities.

OK, aside from undermining the school’s disciplinary structure, what is wrong with this picture?

I believe that this Mom has absolutely the best of intentions on behalf of her child.  Clearly, she wants her child to have a variety of enriching extra-curricular experiences.  Unfortunately, Mom may be teaching some lessons that nobody should be learning:

  • Rules do not apply to me, but….
  • If I DO get in trouble, someone else will pay the price.
  • Dessert (extra curricular) is more valuable than dinner.

No parent wants a child to suffer, but it is still hard for me to understand the rationale behind this type of decision.  The sad thing is that lots of parents don’t stop and ask which hurts more – missing some afterschool activities or failing to learn that actions have consequences?  Perhaps even worse, teaching our kids to expect that they live in an impenetrable bubble where nothing ‘bad’ or ‘sad’ will ever touch hem.  Which is more damaging?  You tell me.

 

 

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